


Make Sure You Read The Instructions To Avoid Injury

by InfiniteInMystery



Series: The Winds Are Fair But This Ship Only Has One Paddle [2]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Bad Decisions, Bickering, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff and Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mistakes, No Beta We Die With Errors, OT3, Otose Regrets Her Choices, Toys, accidental injuries, blood mention, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-02 16:13:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17267276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfiniteInMystery/pseuds/InfiniteInMystery
Summary: Otose confronts the guys about their noise level. She leaves just as mortified as they are.





	Make Sure You Read The Instructions To Avoid Injury

**Author's Note:**

> "It's going to be a drabble." I said. "No more than 1,000 words."

Otose wasn't stupid. She was old, yes, but the things happening under her own damn roof didn't blow by her like they might the younger generation. And as much as she liked to let Gintoki have his own space upstairs (she had given that to him, his safe space, it was his to use as he pleased) anything problematic that happened under that roof was her problem too.

It had started with Katsura, way back when he had first showed up out of nowhere. Good for Gintoki, kind and supportive and an old friend at that, but the whole block knew when Gintoki had sexy company because Katsura was too damn loud. Then, recently, Hijikata had started to come around, and Otose had been so shocked she'd almost had a heart attack. The leader of the Joui patriots, the demon vice commander, and that lazy-ass Gintoki were in what seemed to be a secret relationship of sorts. Under her roof.

And they were loud. Dangerously so.

They were at it again. It was still new, this relationship of theirs, and this was only the second time the three of them had come home together. She was downstairs smoking, eyes closed in displeasure. She had sent Tama out on errands the second Kagura had taken Sadaharu and noisily left with Shinpachi. Otose didn't want Tama inputting this into her database, so she had told the robot to take her time, and Catherine had disappeared for the night, going to do whatever it was that the Amanto did. This left Otose to unwillingly listen to the debacle going on upstairs. By herself.

There was a lot of movement. The night had started with genuine arguing. Heated and demanding, Hijikata's voice had rung out loud and clear followed by Gintoki matching him in volume. They were mad at each other, blaming each other for something. Shouting had turned into hysterical laughing – Katsura – quieter bickering ensuing based on the change of tones, and by then, Otose had considered leaving home herself. But it had only been ten minutes, and there was still a chance they wouldn't get down and dirty, so Otose waited and said her prayers.

She waited. Patiently. Hoping.

Katsura suddenly moaned.

Scoffing, she pulled out a fresh cigarette and lit it on her way out of her snack shop. She knew it was Gintoki's space and that he was an adult, he could do whatever he wanted, but he was being indecent and a nuisance. They could at least try to keep it quiet. That would be fun, wouldn't it? A game of sorts?

This idiot should have come with an instruction manual. Gintoki's behavior and bad decision making had been nothing but a series of puzzles to her since the day she had brought him home.

Otose didn't care what they did to stay quiet. Maybe they just didn't realize how loud they were? That eventually, they would attract attention? Someone might call the police? She mounted the steps up to Odd Jobs. Again, Katsura's voice was keening, loud and clear for the street below. At the front door, she knocked loudly before sliding the front door open without hesitating, announcing her arrival.

There was frantic whispering and a flurry of movement in the living room, presumably Gintoki trying to get clothes on before instantly coming to shoo her away. Otose waited patiently in the doorway with an arm crossed, the other tapping away the ash from her cigarette so it would blow away from the door. She wasn't keen on scarring herself for life, so she waited for Gintoki to slide the door open to the main room, which he did faster than she thought he would.

To her surprise, he was fully clothed. Not a piece of his trademark attire was missing, but there was blood on both hands and a deep cut on his right palm. He had a wild look to his eyes, an odd smile on his face like he was trying to remain optimistic in a dire situation. His lip was twitching in unison with his eyebrow.

“Hi. Hey. Yo.” Gintoki said, out of breath. “What- what are you doing? Here?”

There was a moan from the living room again, and Otose suddenly realized that it hadn't been in pleasure. She'd been too focused on how loud they were that she hadn't heard the pain in Katsura's tone.

“What happened?” She asked, stubbing her cigarette out on the outside wall before coming inside. She kicked off her shoes, stepping in.

Gintoki only laughed nervously before trying to stop her. He waved his hands out to her, trying to block her from the living room with his body. “Nothing, nothing. It's nothing I can't fix. It's okay. Were we too loud? Is that it? If we were too loud we, err... I can make him stop. He's okay, just needs a bit of patching up, hah ha.”

“I know the police dog is here too.” Otose said. Gintoki was being suspicious. “What happened?”

“It's fine, it's fine.” Gintoki said, waving his hands. “Nothing we can't handle. We'll try to be quiet, okay, just go back downstairs. Nothing to see.”

Otose narrowed her eyes at him, scrutinizing him up and down from the hair sticking to his forehead to the mud on his pants. But her eyes lingered on the blood on his palms, just enough to be concerning, but not enough to be lethal. “No, it's _not_ okay. Do you know how loud the three of you are? Even when you come here in pairs? And what's this now? Blood? The three of you have been nothing but trouble together.”

Gintoki's eyebrows shot up behind his bangs, eyes suddenly flickering down to his bloody hands like he had forgotten about them or something. “You see. Uh, it's fine. It's not… this isn't… _Old lady…_ please go back downstairs.”

“Move.” Otose said. She placed a hand on his bicep and gently pushed him. Gintoki moved out of the way, spluttering. He couldn't resist her, say no to her, and she knew it.

“No, really, you don't want to see!” Gintoki said, following at her heel like a puppy. “Hijikata! I- abort mission!”

Otose slid the door open to the living room before Hijikata could actually _abort mission._

She took one look at the situation. Blinked. And then turned away.

Apparently, she didn't actually know what was happening under her own roof. And not only did she _not_ know but she also  _didn't_ want to know anymore. As long as they were quiet.

“Keep the noise down or I'll charge you extra rent.” She snapped, harsher than she intended as she stalked out of Gintoki's house. “The whole block can hear you three!” She added, as she kicked her shoes on and stalked outside. She slammed the door behind her, never to interrupt again.

Gintoki chuckled nervously before turning back to the living room. He leaned against the door frame, arms crossed as he tried to stop himself from laughing in both embarrassment and worry. Katsura was on his back on the coffee table, eyes scrunched in pain and fingers clenched like vices against the edge of the table. His whole face was cherry red in both pain and mortification, lashes wet and jaw tense. Between his spread legs, Hijikata had his blue yukata flung open and a whole lubed hand in him, trying to fish out the Amanto toy that had gotten stuck. As it _turned out_ , knotting devices were too big for human men, and once the device was inflated twice it's regular size via timer, it didn't exactly come back out. Vibrating or not.

Gintoki was just glad he hadn't lost that round of rock-paper-dynamite, back at the bar.

“I told you to _abort mission_.” Gintoki said, closing the door behind him again and scampering closer to be moral support. “This is just as bad as having your religious mother walk in on you banging your first dude! The old lady caught us red-handed! Literally!”

“You only warned me the second she opened the door!” Hijikata hissed, wrist deep. “And what kind of analogy is that? Shut up!”

Katsura moaned again, head thrown back, but Gintoki didn't dare cover his mouth again. The blood on Gintoki's hands was his own, and the gash in his palm was from Katsura's teeth sinking through muscle straight to bone like some rabid animal. He had almost taken the whole chunk of flesh out back when Gintoki had tried to smother his sudden screaming from the device inflating.

They had come back to his place arguing over who was going to stick their hand in there, to find the button to release the inflated knot. Katsura had ended up picking Hijikata amongst their arguing only because his hands were smaller. _Gintoki won't fit, he said._

“This is it. I'm never agreeing to semi-public sex again.” Hijikata hissed, cringing as he moved his hand, cringing more when Katsura cried out. “Clearly, you two are morons. Why did you think this was a good idea?”

“It wasn't even public sex!” Gintoki snapped. “And you didn't _stop_ me from putting it in him back at that bar. We were just riling him up until we got here! You know? Like those fanfictions where the main character is walking around with a vibrator in his ass? Like that! I didn't know it had a timer for inflation!”

“Why did you pick some Amanto shit? A vibrating _knotting_ device? Really Gintoki? What do you want? This to be an AOB?” Hijikata snapped. “If that's the case, I'll have to be the Alpha male because I'm not even sure how you two idiots are still alive! Did you even _read_ the instructions?”

“ _What_ instructions?”

“Can you… shut... the fuck up and get it out?” Katsura snapped, lifting his head, teeth bared. His eyes were bleary, tears tracking his cheeks. “It _hurts_.”

“We know, we know.” Gintoki said, hushing him. He used the back of his hand to pet Katsura's hair. His voice went smooth, comforting. “Just relax. One minute and Hijikata will find it. You're doing good.”

“I got it.” Hijikata said. He sounded relieved.

Katsura sighed in relief. He went from dangerously tense to shockingly limp, sinking into the table as Hijikata slid the deflated toy out of him easily. Once it was out, Katsura moaned, a hand going to his sweaty forehead in exhaustion. Hijikata was rubbing comforting circles against his hip, eyes on Gintoki. “I'll get him something to change in to.”

Gintoki hummed in agreement, knuckles still smoothing over Katsura's temple. “I made a stupid decision. I'm sorry.” He murmured, once Hijikata was out of the room. He had gone to the kitchen to wash his hands first.

“You sure did.” Katsura sighed, eyes fluttering closed. “But _I_ didn't die. Not sure about you two though. Better hope I can't walk tomorrow because I'm pretty good at petty revenge, you know.”

Gintoki laughed, smile bright, knuckles pressing into his temple. “The old lady is going to kill me too. That means I'm going to die twice. Guess I better skip town.”

“If you skip town, I'll track you down and shove this knot into your ass next.” Hijikata said, coming back into the living room with a clean yukata for Katsura to change into. “And you, you little terror.” Hijikata threw the yukata at Katsura, who weakly caught it. “The _things_ I'm doing for you.” But he helped Katsura sit up anyway, helped him change. Kept his hands on him, warm and gentle until Katsura flopped on his side on Gintoki's couch.

Gintoki came back from the kitchen. His hands were clean, but the bite mark was still bleeding profusely beneath the cloth he had wrapped around it. He sighed. “I'll be right back. Take care of him for a minute.”

Downstairs, Gintoki tried to genuinely apologize. But Otose only viciously struck him with her dishcloth until he left.


End file.
